Monday Night Raw -- June 2, 2008
55Looking for my crack on the most recent RAW? Go to Monday Night Raw.
June 3, 2008 -- Where are the Heels?
Ah yes. Another Monday Night Raw. Where my money at?
Theme of the Week: Where are the Heels?
Show starts off with a KOK coming down to the ring. That KOK is Triple H, the King of Kings. He's so over it's disgusting.
We see a clip of Randy Orton breaking his collarbone after Triple H threw him from the ring at One Night Stand (btw Orton got a standing O for his performance). I watched the clip in slow motion, I could definitely see a bump coming out of Orton's shoulder after the fall. Even more disgusting.
Where are the Heels?
So Triple H says the Age of Orton is over. In fact, it's as if it never existed. Triple H says he doesn't care who's next, but -
Enter one John Cena
Cena runs in and challenges Triple H for the title. He reminds Triple H that he's conquered everybody except John Cena, and with the draft looming, he wants the belt now. He tells us a match between Triple H and John Cena would be like the World Series, the Super Bowl, the World Cup, and the birth of Jesus Christ all rolled into one.
No, no, Cena didn't actually compare a wrestling match to the birth of the Lord...but he's gotta lay off the hyperbole...
Triple H is like, "as you once told me, Cena - want some? Come get some."
Enter one Jeff Hardy
Jeff Hardy runs in, and now we have the top three faces on RAW standing face to face in the ring. Let's face it, you don't see three faces face off in a ring very often.
Hardy reminds the older gentlemen that he won at One Night Stand, too, so he is also in line for a championship match.
Triple H is like "ok, whatever, you guys work it out for yourselves and let me know when you're ready to get beat."
Hardy proposes a match against Cena (ummm...we knew this was coming). He says Vince will love the idea. So, Vince pops on the Titantron and says he loves the idea. How about the winner of that match gets to take on Triple H at Night of Champions!
Oh, and he's going to give away a cool million bucks next week.
After a commercial break, the King announces a Y2J - JBL match (didn't we see this a few months ago?)
MidCard Mayhem
Then we have Kennedy come to the ring, grab a mic, and crap all over Paul Burchill. Burchill runs in with his sister and tells Kennedy he REALLY wants to kick Kennedy's ass but he needs to help Katie get ready for her match. So he'll send in Umaga, instead.
Umaga comes out with taped up ribs. Kennedy immediately attacks the ribs, but Umaga dominates him anyway until he misses a flying head butt to Kennedy on the outside of the ring. He flies into the announce table (HARD), sells a major rib injury, and cannot respond to a ten count. Kennedy wins by DQ. Not the best way to put Kennedy over...
Anyway, to nobody's surprise, Burchill ambushes Kennedy from behind and zaps him. Something tells me Kennedy will get revenge...
Where are the Heels?
When we return from a commercial break, one Vincent Kennedy McMahon comes out to top of the ramp. There are a bunch of jabronis in suits lining the stage, and an empty glass box. Vince announces the official start of Million-Dollar Mania and has some other jabronis bring out a bunch of cash -- perhaps a sum of one million dollars?
Vince personally fills the box with the cash. He gloats for a while, then says he's giving out $1 million by the end of next week (huh? Next Friday? Umm...RAW is on Monday night...) And, as expected, you have to register at WWE.com to qualify.
As if he needs to explain himself, Vince tells us he wants people to watch his show. People, that is, except snobs (boooo). NO SNOBS ALLOWED TO WATCH RAW.
Yea, Vince. Stick it to the man!!
He says WWE fans are a slice of Americana, good decent folks like you and me. He flatters the fans into a frenzy, and tells them to cheer, chant, boo, and show their posters. The fans are eating it up!
In the process, Vince turns face.
So I guess the opening segment had a record FOUR faces. Where are the heels?
The Old and the Done Before
After another commercial break, we get Santino/Carlito against Cody/Holly in a non-title match for the 853rd time. Oh, except with a twist - Cody invited a surprise guest without telling anybody. The guest is Roddy Piper, who came out sporting a hairdo from Supercuts.
Bob Holly is tre' pissed off.
A forgettable match. Piper distracted the ref in an attempt to give Holly the win, but Carlito used the opportunity for a sneak attack that knocked Holly into a Santino pin. Whoop-ah dee Doo-ah.
After the match, Santino gives a lame promo with some references to late night talk shows that I don't watch.
Elsewhere, Holly chews out Cody for inviting Piper, then storms out of the locker room.
Enter one Ted DeBiase Jr (except he dropped the Jr).
Jr snakes into the locker room to tell Cody he's forming a tag team of his own to take the tag titles from Cody/Holly in three weeks. Hmmm...prediction: regardless of who Jr picks, Cody will turn heel on Holly, and join a stable with DeBiase and his mystery partner (maybe one Colt Cabana?? One DH Smith??)
No Hope for the IC Title
Next, a Y2J promo. He says he respects Shawn Michaels (who's out of action) and hoped HBK would win at ONS. He acknowledges he hasn't been a fighting champion, but tells us he's committed to defending the IC title. He dedicates his match to HBK (awww...Y2J carrying 250 pounds of flab through a match...how sentimental)
Poor Y2J. Why should such an amazing talent have to wage war against a 6 foot 7 inch sack of mayonnaise?
So anyway, the match is pretty decent, largely because Jericho can carry anybody to a good match. After some back and forth, JBL puts Y2J in a full nelson (haven't seen that in a while, eh?), but Y2J fights out and tosses JBL all over the ring. JBL catches Y2J with a fall away slam, then we get some more back and forth until the action spills over to the outside. JBL grabs a chair, and the ref DQ's him (huh?)
Then, out of nowhere, Y2J hits a pseudo-inseguri that drops JBL's neck right on top of the chair. JBL is down. Y2J grabs the chair, but just like last week with HBK, he can't bring himself to use it. No explanation.
Women Wrestlers Are All Fluffers...er, I mean, Fluff
After another commercial break, Katie Lea and Beth Phoenix take out Melina and Mickie James in a tag match. After the match, Paul Burchill comes down to congratulate his sister, but Kennedy attacks him from behind in a fierce, intense pummeling. Burchill runs away.
Another commercial break. When we come back, Cryme Tyme eyes up the moolah, but backs off when the jabronis step to them.
Are These Guys Heels?
Then, we have the long-awaited Cade-Murdoch match. Early on, Cade gets the advantage, lays Murdoch's head against the ring post, rushes him full force, and CRUSHES Murdoch's head against the ring post with his knee. I slo' mo'd this on the TiVo...it was totally legit and pretty gruesome. The rest of the match was a decent old school brawl/slugfest, and Cade goes over with a variation of a powerbomb.
Next, Cena drops in on Mickie James backstage to see if she's ok after losing her match...and to return her panties...
EWWW - day old panties? YUCK!
Faces Abound
Which brings us to our main event. It's pretty awesome for me. Hardy and Cena. Huge pops for each of them when they enter. A fan even tries to rush the ring before getting his ass thrown out.
Cena and Hardy stop the match to have a laugh about it. Then, Hardy locks a headlock on Cena to take him to the ground.
Cena fights up, hits an arm drag, then a body slam into a rear naked choke. Hardy fights up, hits an arm drag, then a snap suplex into a near fall.
Hmmm...mat wrestling from Cena and Hardy? Hmmm...me likes.
So we have a great match, I need not describe the whole fifteen-minute affair here, but the fans are all over it. After some great action, Cena blocks Hardy's Twist-of-Fate attempt, then Hardy blocks Cena's FU attempt, hits Cena with a slingshot drop kick, and hits a cross-body from the top rope. But Cena rolls through the cross-body, hangs onto Hardy, powerlifts him FROM THE MAT onto his shoulders, and hits the FU.
Match over. Awesome. Not even Triple H could spoil it by coming to the top of the ramp for a (cliché) stare down to end the show.
No heels to be found.
Raw ReWrite
OK, what's with this million dollars? The gimmick changes each week. One time it's $1 million in portions, next thing it's $1 million by the end of next week, then it's $1 million on over the next few RAWs, next thing it's six separate prizes...c'mon, just give it straight, Vince!
How about instead of going through this "million dollar" insanity, give me the cash, I'll distribute it fairly. Promise.
