Monday Night Raw -- June 16, 2008

Looking for my crack on the most recent RAW? Go to Monday Night Raw.

Only 14 wrestlers wrestled tonight, for a total of five matches in two hours.

Insanity.

I guess we had it coming, though. WWE's official preview said the biggest reason to watch Raw is to win a million bucks. In other words, good, entertaining wrestling is not as important as watching Vince McMahon make a few phone calls.

Why should I have expected a great wrestling show? ANYWHO let's recap.

Theme of the Week: Cruisin' for a Snoozin'

John Cena comes down to the ring to open the show. He's looking good, as always. He basks in a monster face pop for a good minute-plus.

He says he loves WWE. (Maybe because he actually does get a million dollars from Vince McMahon). He also firmly believes it provides the best entertainment money can buy. Except strippers, porn and NASCAR. (no, no, I'm kidding, who would pay to watch NASCAR?).

He says once in a great while it provides moments that live in our memories forever. For example, Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant. In two weeks, at Night of Champions, the fans will get one of those moments when Cena will win the title again. (Hyperbole, anyone?)

Enter one Triple H, the KOK (King of Kings, of course). He says Cena started to make things personal by costing him a match against Jeff Hardy last week, but he's above that sort of nonsense, so he'll let Cena off this time -- but if Cena gets in his business again, it will really get personal.

Cena's like, "jigga what? You punked me out by sweeping me off my feet."

Triple H is like, "Cena, you're so uncoordinated, you probably fell off the table on your own."

Cena's like, "oh yea, I'm a big dumb animal, eh? Well I beat you last time."

Triple H is like, "yo that was two years ago."

Cena's like, "yea, aight, but nothing's changed. We're still in the main events."

Triple H is like, "oh yea, well something has changed -- I'm the champ."

Now, last week, Cena politely excused himself from this volatile situation. But this week, he's like, "until you beat me, you're nothing, Triple H." (digga DAMN, BOO YAH, take THAT to yo momma)

Triple H is like, "well, look, your fans are all little kids, they're not going to be able to stay up late enough to see the match. But maybe one of them can send you a toy belt as a consolation after you lose to me."

At this point, Cena tears off his shirt. H tears off his shirt. They grease themselves up and have a posedown!

No, no, they posture for a second, but before anything interesting happens, Vince comes out and tells them they'll wrestle at NOC, not tonight. He says he has more important things than wrestling, or entertainment, or anything that will entertain SlimJim:

He's giving out a million dollars.

Vince announces the million dollar password is "watch Raw and win," which for most of us is a lie.

Vince then books Cena in a street fight against Umaga, and Umaga comes out for a streetfight. Inexplicably, Triple H disappears.

The match begins with Cena and Umaga trading blows. They go back and forth until Cena tries for a body slam. Umaga falls on top of him, squashes him in a body press, and gets a near fall. Umaga knocks Cena from pillar to post, rocks Cena outside the ring, and hits a wicked samoan drop on the ramp (ouch!)

Umaga then sets Cena up on the outside of the ring, against the ring apron, with Cena's head resting on the ringpost. He gets a full head of steam and full force rushes Cena, but just as he's about to crush Cena's skull into the ring post, Cena moves out of the way. Umaga hits the ringpost hard but recovers quickly and keeps the advantage. Not even a blow from a WWE microphone could stop Umaga from beating Cena down in the middle of the ring.

Umaga goes to the outside and throws a chair into the ring. A dazed Cena grabs the chair and stuffs it into Umaga's stomach. Then, Cena hits a top rope leg drop. He goes for an FU but can't get enough power, and Umaga falls onto Cena's head. It looks pretty bad on camera.

Umaga takes the advantage again. He throws Cena all over the place, throws the steel steps onto him, and tosses him around some more. Then, Umaga throws the steel steps into the ring, and Cena is selling like crazy.

Umaga lifts the steps over his head to hit Cena, but Cena BLOCKS, hits Umaga with an FU, and wins the match.

So ends a fairly entertaining (if predictable) match, and I'm in a good mood...until we get more of this Million Dollar Mania nonsense.

Cruisin' for a Snoozin'

Vince picks up the phone and misdials again (good gracious!). When he succeeds in making the call, giving $125,000 to some jabroni who says "Oh My Lord!" in a very feminine voice, Vince humiliates the poor guy by making him bark like a dog.

Then, Vince humiliates some divas with a "summertime beach bikini blowout" with Charlie Haas as MC.

Charlie Haas sounds like he's announcing a monster truck rally: "THIS MONDAY, IT's DIVAS DIVAS DIVAS. Booya Booya Booya!" Listen to it for yourself at WWE.com, although they cut out the beginning.

Maria wins (duh), but only b/c my girl Kelly Kelly is not participating.

Now, I don't mind watching the women strut their stuff, but come on, isn't this a kind of thing a little over done? Maybe that's good entertainment in Saudi Arabia, but this is America, and I can see hot women wearing lots of makeup dressed in bikinis in any magazine store, 7-Eleven, Victoria's Secret catalogue, or pay TV station.

Next, Vince makes a phone call to jabroni #2. He dials like my grandma -- slowly and with his index finger. Jabroni #2 wins $100,000. Vince asks him who the most famous person born in NC. The guy answers "Ric Flair," but the correct answer is Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Vince is not so happy. (the actual answer is snack food pioneer Herman Lay.)

After a commercial break, Hacksaw Jim Duggan dials some jabroni named Gabe, who doesn't pick up his phone. Dumbass. Vince is like, you futzed that one up, Gabe, you aint getting my money.

I'm bored.

Vince calls another jabroni. This one programmed his ring tone with the DX music...but at least he picks up. And he's very excited, he's yelling into the phone "we gonna win baby! We got two words for you --" but Vince cuts him off and asks him for a Hacksaw Jim Duggan impersonation, which he serves up to a tee.

I'm still bored.

Then Jeff Hardy comes out.

I'm not bored anymore.

He has a nice little match with Carlito. Back and forth the whole way. Hardy goes over clean. Poor Carlito. I guess that's what you get for talkin' smack about the boss's daughter. Read Carlito's comments.

Note -- one hour into the show, I've seen all of two wrestling matches and a whole lotta SNOOZE. And not the Randy Orton kind.

Moving right along, we get more Vince with this million dollar nonsense. Kyle Matheson wins $175,000 and sings the national anthem, very poorly. This guys sounds like Rain Man, and says "hey Vince, can I ask you a question? Night of Champions is on my birthday."

That's not a question, dumbass!

Cheap Heat to Save The Day

Next, Y2J comes out to the ring to explain why he put Shawn Michaels through a TV screen. He tells us it's our fault. He came back to SAVE the WWE. But we, the fans, didn't want to be saved. We wanted to cheer for backstabbing marks like HBK. HBK does anything to get ahead, he gets cheered, but Y2J does anything to get ahead, and we turn on him. He says we're pathetic and morally corrupt, so he doesn't want us to cheer for him anymore.

(Is this sounding a little convoluted to you?)

Jericho tells us he's punishing HBK because we love him, and that's a sin. He taunts HBK and tells him to come out to the ring and fight.

But HBK doesn't come out. Instead, one Richard Morgan Fliehr, aka Ric Flair, runs in, lookin' as sharp as ever as he gets a huge standing O. He goes toe to toe with Jericho. Jericho looks confused and a little scared. Flair grabs the microphone and tells Jericho to SHUT UP. He says he might be retired, but it's not going to stop him from fighting Jericho. He calls Jericho out to the parking lot, the same way I used to settle things in middle school. Other kids were bringing PBJ sandwiches, I was bringing knuckle sandwiches.

Anyway, Y2J follows Flair to the outside, only to be greeted by Triple H. Triple H says, "Chris, I've been meaning to kick the crap out of you ever since you came back. How about it?"

And Y2J backs off, like the cowardly heel that he is.

Still only two matches. Total.

After another commercial break, Triple H and Flair are gloating about the whole Jericho thing. Vince comes up and kicks Flair out of the arena, because retireed people aren't allowed backstage.

Triple H is like, "what's the deal Vince?"

Vince is like, "look, I'm gonna make a match for you against Y2J."

Hell yea, baby! Two guys who can go. Sweet. And I haven't seen this matchup 873 times, either!

What that has to do with Ric Flair, I don't know.

Cruisin' for a Snoozin'

Next, we get Holly pinning JTG in 2 seconds after DiBiase distracted him. Ted slinks to the back and disappears.

Huh?

What's that insanity about? Is Vince Russo booking for WWE again?

To make matters worse, we also get more Million Dollar Mania. Becky Carmon wins $16. Poor woman. I feel bad for her.

Next, Kennedy and Mickie James team up to face the Burchills in an mixed tag match. This Kennedy - Burchill feud seems like a decent placeholder to set up William Regal's return, which will no doubt be predicated on some kind of British attack type of thing.

Anyway, Katie Lea is taller, stronger, more fit, more agile and better looking than Mickie James, but she gets her ass whipped anyway because Mickie James has "heart." Lame match with a nice finish, which I will describe now:

Mickie James is about to go for the Thesz Press when Kennedy runs across the ring and spears Burchill through the ropes and onto the floor with a sort of suicide dive / spear through the middle rope. The distraction gives Katie Lea enough time to recover, avoid the Thesz Press and hit a backbreaker for the pin.

Million Dollar Stinkfest

And then we get more million dollar stinkfest. Some spastic woman wins $174,984. She sounds like she's about to have a seizure, and keeps telling Vince how amazing the giveaway is. Vince asks her who's the hottest man on earth. The woman says Vincent Kennedy McMahon and has a massive coronary seizure from all the excitement. She expires, and is unable to collect her money.

I'm pretty sure she was high on cocaine, which is probably the only way a person could actually be enjoying themselves watching this particular Raw.

But really, who's the insane one? SlimJim is wasting his time writing about the show...

Next, some white-bred jabroni wins $75,000. This guys says "holy mackarel" but at least Vince didn't ask some "fun" (read: stupid) question.

After a big plug for NOC, we get our Y2J - Triple H match (champion v. champion). But first, Vince announces he's giving away ANOTHER $1 million next week (spare me). Oh, and there'll be the draft, too, and a three hour RAW. And maybe -- possibly -- some wrestling, if you like that kinda thing on a wrestling show.

Frank Turbeville, a womanly-sounding man, proclaims his love for Vince McMahon and wins $300,000. He goes crazy. Crazy like a gay man.

And finally our match starts. Jericho wails on Triple H, then Triple H reverses and wails on Jericho. Triple H tries to whip Jericho into the turnbuckle, but Jericho counters and sends Triple H into the corner.

Jericho runs in for a spear, but Triple H moves out of the way. Jericho bashes his shoulder into the ring post and tumbles to the outside as we go to commercial break.

When we come back, Jericho is kicking Triple H all over the ring. He hits an inseguri, knocks Triple H to the outside, and hits a baseball slide as H tries to get back into the ring. Inexplicably, after doing what he can to keep Triple H on the outside, Jericho goes drags Triple H back into the ring, which totally defeats the purpose.

So Triple H hits a big clothesline to quell the offense. Jericho dodges a knee drop and goes for the Walls of Jericho. Triple H blocks it, gets up and hits a double-edge spinebuster. He goes for the pedigree.

But Jericho gets out of the pedigree, knees Triple H in the gut, hits a bulldog, goes for a lionsault. Triple H moves, Jericho misses, Triple H goes for a pedigree again, Jericho fights it off and backdrops Triple H.

The action spills to the outside, where Triple H gets the advantage until Lance Cade runs in on the match.

Jericho and I are both like...wha?

The ref calls for the bell as Jericho and Cade double-team Triple H. Cena runs in to clear the ring. Then he schmazzes with Triple H until Jericho and Cade come back into the ring, and we have a full four-man schmazz. Cade lays out Cena, Jericho hits codebreaker on Triple H.

Jericho looks at Cade with a look that says, "not bad kid, good time to make a statement." Y2J stands triumphant in the ring as the show goes off the air.

Raw ReWrite

So many things to rewrite. These Y2J storylines are getting harder and harder to follow. Is Mike Adamle on the writing staff now?

Well, I'll give Jericho the benefit of the doubt because he's a great wrestler. My rewrite has to do with Carlito.

First, where's Santino Marella?

Second, since when did Carlito get high enough on the card to job to Jeff Hardy?

Third, why is Carlito still on the show?

If I were writing RAW this week, I'd have Carlito and Santino pick a fight with Jeff Hardy. They roll up to him like, "hey there, you don't look so good. is everything cool?"

Hardy is obviously nursing some injury, but says "yea, I'm cool. What's it to you?"

Santino and Carlito keep picking on Hardy. CM Punk comes down the hall out of nowhere. Carlito's like, "Punk? You're supposed to be losing to Miz and Morrison on ECW. What are you doing here?"

Punk's like "Maria invited me to watch the Diva bikini contest. Man, she just doesn't stop calling me." And Punk just walks away.

And we see Santino steaming mad. Carlito's like, "you gotta to watch out for that Punk, he's not cool."

Santino storms off. Hardy looks at Carlito and says "you know what? you're not cool." And walks away.

Carlito, alone, looks around. He takes a bit out of his apple, then gets this grumpy look on his face, and stomps off as he mutters "Carlito not cool? I'll show Jeff Hardy who's not cool."

They have a match later in the night.

Anyway, I won't draw the whole thing out, but the point is, you tease Punk-Marella for when Punk gets drafted to RAW next week, and give Carlito-Hardy a reason to be fighting. You can go in several different directions from here.