Monday Night Raw -- August 4, 2008

Theme of the Week: Who Would've Thought?

Who would've thought Mike Adamle had a personality?

Who would've thought the writers could seamlessly throw so many teases into an episode?

Who would've thought the best segment of the night occurred about 11 years ago?

Who would've thought that D-Lo Brown would be off TV, after getting two weeks of a push?

Who would've thought Kane's "what's in the bag" storyline would emerge again?

I enjoyed this episode, and I give props to Adamle for coming across as polished and professional...which is the exact opposite of his character when he's announcing.

Let's get to the recap:

At the start of the show, Adamle comes out to address the crowd. He almost makes me turn off the TV. I don't know exactly what he says -- something about Ronald Reagan, and how people can be bad at one thing yet good at something else -- but he promises three championship matches tonight, including Cena/Batista v. Rhodes/DiBiase.

Then JBL runs in, plugs his article in Fortune magazine, calls Mike a "winner," and asks for a championship match against CM Punk.

Then Jericho runs in, says he deserves the title shot, claims he's so far out of JBL's league -- he's in a league of his own.

They each pester Adamle about why they should get the title match.

Adamle says he could make a triple-threat match of Jericho, JBL, Punk match for championship. But he doesn't take the easy way out.

(This is his approach to pronouncing wrestlers' names, too).

So he makes a handicap match where JBL and Jericho team up against CM Punk. The person who gets the pinfall gets the title match at SummerSlam. If CM punk wins, neither get a title match at SummerSlam.

Hmmm...JBL flabbin around the ring in a championship match. What did Punk do to deserve this??

Only Try to Realize the Truth. There Is No Intercontinental Championship.

Next, we see Kofi Kingston and Paul Burchill in an IC title match. The irony is, there is no IC title.

That is to say, this strap is meaningless. The match? Decent.

Kofi seemed a little subdued on the high-flying, and there wasn't much in the way of high spots. Conventional match, each wrestler gets two comebacks and Kofi picks up the win. After the match, he chases Burchill to the back. Katie Lea is alone in the ring.

Mickie James bursts out of the back and rushes the ring with a full head of steam. Katie Lea ducks out.

Thus begins the women's championship match. At some point, Katie Lea gets her butt back in the ring. Immediately, Mickie gets the advantage, throws Katie back to the outside, and hits a thesz press from the apron.

Katie fights back and appears to knock Mickie out with a neck-breaker to the second rope (tsk tsk -- not a very sportsmanlike maneuver). She gets a nearfall, then hits some more offense, and puts Mickie in the bow and arrow.

Mickie counters out, fights up, and hits a neck breaker of her own (in the middle of the ring....much more considerate). They go back and forth until Mickie hits a DDT and covers for the win.

Then Beth Phoenix runs in and demolishes Mickie. So, all three of RAW's female wrestlers are featured in a five-minute match that teases Beth's return to the (ahem) title chase.

This is not TNA.

Santino emerges to the ramp. He and Beth flirt a little bit, then grab each others' butts (yuck!) in some bizarre mating ritual as we go to commercial.

What a tease.

Who Would've Thought?

After the break, WWE showed a clip of Stone Cold Steve Austin from 1997 to plug WWE 24-7. Sadly, it was one of the most entertaining bits of the show.

In keeping with this string of entertaining bits, we see Adamle in his office, on the phone, kissing up to Steph McMahon. Santino and Beth run in. They each ask for championship matches. Adamle says there's only space for one more title match on the card.

BUT an idea comes to him. An "ADAMLE ORIGINAL." How about Kofi and Mickie tag against Santino and Beth for BOTH titles. Winner take all?

How innovative. Didn't Kurt Angle and Team 3D do a similar gimmick in TNA a little while back?

Prediction -- Santino/Beth will win, then fight over who gets to be the woman's champ, and who gets to be the IC champ.

I like that...it's been a long time since we had a woman as IC champ, and Santino would probably (maybe) dominate the women's division -- remember his pinning combo on Kelly the other week?

But what will Paul and Katie Lea think of this arrangement? Think they might be a little peaved?

Where Have I Heard This Before?

Elsewhere backstage, Todd Grisham asks Batista what he thinks about facing Cena at SummerSlam. This is exactly the kind of hardhitting journalism I'd expect from a guy who was twice voted Worst Wrestling Announcer by Wrestling Observer.

(In his defense, Jerry Lawler also made the list a few years back...Don West is the 2007 awardee, and if you've ever listened to TNA, you'll know why)

Ever the comsummate professional, Batista says if that's what Adamle wants, it's his choice, but Batista would rather challenge for the world championship. As far as tonight goes, Cena should stay out of his way.

This is all very...familiar. Some might say this is cliche, overdone, unoriginal, uninspired...

Who Would've Thought?

After a break, Layla dances in the ring for a litte bit. We see an "earlier" segment with Jamie Noble trying to mack on Layla by offering to take her to a waffle house. Layla says she ain't having it -- she doesn't associate with losers.

Incensed, Jamie says he's going to the waffle house anyway.

Meanwhile, back in the ring, Layla is still dancing. Regal runs in. He says he's King...then gets interrupted by Jamie Noble.

Noble attacks Regal, but looks like Lil' Mac from the old Mike Tyson's Punch-Out boxing game for the original nintendo. Regal is just so much bigger than Noble. I see the tease here, but I hope this is not setting up a feud -- Noble's entertaining, but getting any offense in on Regal is just not believable.

After another commercial, we get the first hour's main event -- JBL and Jericho v. CM Punk.

JBL Ruins Everything

Out of nowhere, Mr. Adamle tells the contestants that if there's no winner in 10 minutes, the three will compete in a triple threat match at SummerSlam.

Well, that's some good booking. NOT.

Instantly, Adamle removes the urgency. If there's no winner after 10 minutes, everybody gets another chance. That's a much lower stake than being removed from contention.

But I guess that's not true, because NOBODY wants to see a triple threat with JBL in it, and even fewer people (mathematically impossible, I know) want to pay for it. So we're all rooting for a winner. The fans have urgency.

That is to say, we're all rooting for Jericho to win, just to spare us from having to watch JBL flab out to CM Punk at SummerSlam. We'll see enough breasts in the diva segments, we don't need to see JBL's.

Maybe if Mick Foley came out to give a pep talk, I'd have some interest. But short of a grade-A Mick Foley promo, I don't know what could get me excited about seeing JBL against...anybody.

Anyway, Jericho is sporting new wrestling trunks, with nary a Y2J in sight. See, that's one of the many things to love about Jericho, his attention to detail. Y2J is dead, so he erased it from his life -- including his tights.

As the match begins, JBL and Jericho argue about who should get the pin. Astonished that these knuckleheads would waste time arguing when there's a ten minute time limit, CM Punk leaps onto them to get things started...and promplty gets double-teamed.

In typical babyface style, Punk gets beat down, then comes back up, time and time again.

The first half of the match was mostly Jericho v. Punk, as JBL was knocked silly on the outside after about a minute and a half.

At about 4:30, we have the predictable "heels attack eachother" routine, breaking up eachothers' pinfall attempts.

But did you notice -- no commercial breaks!

Punks makes a babyface comeback, the fans are going crazy. He leaps onto JBL, throws Jericho crotch-first into the corner, hits some stiff offense to Jericho, and hits the high running knee kick to JBL in the corner into a bulldog.

Does the same to Jericho, but as he goes for the bulldog, ducks a JBL attemped clothesline from hell. The clothesline hits Jericho. With Jericho down, Punk picks up JBL for the GTS but Jericho breaks it up (barely).

I can't do the rest of the match justice. Punk barely misses pin after pin attempt. Has Jericho in GTS position, but Jericho rakes his eyes, locks in walls of jericho.

Punk fights it for about 30 seconds (!) until JBL breaks it up with a boot. He shoves Jericho out of the ring, but can barely recover. With about 5 seconds left, in a move of sheer stupidity, Jericho gives JBL a shot that knocks him on top of Punk. Cover for the win.

WHAT??

Insanity. What a poopy payoff. What did CM Punk do to deserve this? He could've had a barn-burner with Jericho -- a match ten times better than The Match They Had at King of the Ring.

Why does Vince want to bury Punk?

Anyway, great match, JBL sucks but he does have good timing, and anything Jericho's associated with turns to gold...although I didn't get some parts of the HBK-Y2J storyline.

But hey -- where was Lance Cade? Was Jericho just using him to take out Shawn Michaels, only to discard him when the job's done?

Will we see Cade return to Jericho's side next week? Or will they begin to feud...

Stop Teasing Me

After another commercial, we see Shawn Michaels' interview. He says for the last four months, he's wrestled with bad knees, broken ribs, and other injuries. He's getting an evaluation on the 15th, and he'll announce the doctor's decision. If he can compete, he'll do it. If not, he'll walk away, forever...

After the next commercial, Matt Striker debuts on Raw...to ZERO crowd response. He gets squashed by Kane.

Hey -- What's in the mask? Who's dead? Where's that angle going?

I still don't know. Kane grabs a mic, and the crowd goes wild for him. He holds up the bag and says, "he's not alive, he's dead." But we still don't know what he's talking about.

Stop TEASING me.

Next, Todd Grisham asks Cena how he feels going into the match tonight. Cena says Batista's adored, he's a monster, and Cena-Batista is the ultimate showdown at SummerSlam.

He reminds us that he and Batista won their first championships on the same night. But since then, Batista has been upstaging him at every turn as the top face. Finally, he gets to showdown with Batista, but instead of preparing for this big match, he has a tag match tonight. But he'll be ready for anything.

Leading up the main event, we see Adamle making notes as Kelly Kelly enters his office.

She's getting buffer and buffer every week, but she's still super hot.

Kelly kisses Adamle's ass, and Adamle is a total smooth operator. He says next week, he'll take Kane's bag from him if he doesn't telll everybody what's in it. Then he tells her to kick back and watch the main event with him.

Way to take control, buddy. Who would've thought Mike Adamle would be such a playa?

Anyway, I suspect this teases a heel turn for Kelly, or at least a future liaison. In the next few weeks, we'll see her kissing his ass more and more, getting better and better treatment, etc...maybe she's trying to schmooze her way to the top??

(I am concerned about one thing, though -- Adamle is growing on me)

Title match was pretty damn good. Everybody looked good. Batista even hit a leapfrog!

At one point, Batista misses a spear and bashes his shoulder into the ring post. For the 1,368th time. When will he learn??

ANYWHO, the tag champs put him down, but he fights up and tags cena, who cleans house.

As he puts Cody up for the FU, DiBiase interferes, the tag champs get advantage, and they work over cena big time. They toss him into steel steps and work him over some more.

They get some near falls and do some double-teaming. They taunt Batista and Cena, playing up the heel role.

Cody puts a sleeper on Cena. When Cena fights to his own corner, dragging Cody across the ring, Batista short-arms him. Cena is PO'd. He tries to fight up by himself, but double team is too much.

After struggling some more, Cena's able to get the tag...by slapping Batista in the FACE.

Awesome.

Batista gets pissed, but then gives Cena his trademark smirk and immediately destroys the tag champs.

Spinebuster, spear, batista bomb. New champs.

After a few minutes sizing eachother up and gloating a little, the new champs take turns posing with their belts (this is a nice treat, b/c this type of playing-to-the-live-crowd is doesn't usually happen until after the cameras stop rolling).

Man, the crowd is going nuts. More sizing eachother up and posing as we go off the air.

The match was really good, but why take the belts off the champs? What do they do now, how do they recover? Where does Cena-Batista tag team go? What about Cryme Tyme?

Hmmm...

Raw ReWrite

You know what would be really cool? Seamless transition of characters. One segment's end becomes the next's beginning. For an entire two hours.

I could spend years rewriting every angle involving JBL, I just can't stand to watch the guy. But I won't do that here. My rewrite has to do with Kane.

C'mon. Granted, I hate abortions, but it's obvious that nobody wants to see Kane turn heel. This alive or dead schtick isn't going to work, just kill it.

When Kane held the bag up in the ring, and said "he's not alive, he's dead," He should've just taken out a lighter and lit the whole bag on fire. Go to commercial break with a shot of the bag in flames and Kane walking away in the background.

Then, next week, we see him backstage, passing by Michael Cole. Cole gets really, really scared. Kane smiles and says "hey, I'm sorry about attacking you a few weeks ago, and I'm glad nothing too terrible happened. I was just sorting some things out for myself."

Cole, visibly shaking, says "uh, uh, ok..." and walks away.

Kane continues walking down the hall, and stops when he sees CM Punk come down the hall. Punk stops too. Leering at Kane, he says "you know, I don't really care what you had in the bag, but you better know that if you come at me again, I will make sure you stay in a bad place for a long time."

Kane smiles and says "Punk, you don't have to worry about anything. I was just sorting some things out for myself. There are lots of other people I'd like to brutalize more than you. Like, for example, Batista."

Punk walks away. Kane continues walking down the hall. He stops at Mike Adamle's door. He knocks.

[cut away to other segments]

Later, we see him walking out with Adamle. They're all smiles. Kane says, "I can't believe I spent all this time wondering if my TV's remote control batteries were alive or dead. But you know, it's hard to get up and change the channel by hand."

Adamle says "well, I'm pretty sure nobody's going to want to turn their channel once they hear the match I've made for you."

And Kane goes on to whatever angle they have for him.

Honestly, doesn't it make as much sense as some of the other abortions they've done?